Legacy

I've been thinking a lot about life and death these past few weeks for a number of reasons.  First and foremost is likely my aunt and all that she is going through.  It’s so not okay to have to watch this and not be able to do anything about it.  We can’t fix this problem and I know that all of us wish we could somehow.  The second reason I’ve been thinking about life & death is that for a few weeks, we were going through my grandparents’ old house and getting it ready to be sold.  My grandpa died a few years ago, while I was in Afg.  I hated not being able to be there to say goodbye, to be with him when he died, or to be at the funeral.  It was not ideal.  So about a year & a half ago, my grandma moved but she only took what she’d need or want to have at her new place.  Given the expanses of her old home and the confines of the new one, that wasn’t much.  Not comparatively speaking, at least.  So the family had the fun/duty of going through the remainders and getting what we’d want or taking the important stuff that shouldn’t be thrown away or given away.  I gravitated toward two things—cooking and kitchen stuff, and my grandma’s craft things.  I’ve been doing some sewing lately and have a lot of improvements to make and room to grow so it’s nice to have materials without having to spend money when I’m not sure how the items will turn out.  While going through her things, I kept wondering about what an invasion of privacy it might feel like to her.  Or to my grandpa, for that matter.  Then I started to wonder what people would think of me if they were going through my things if I died.  Boy.  That was… insightful!  I’ll tell you one thing for sure, they would see a person who loves crafts and has a lot of unfinished projects.  Similar to my grandma, I suppose.  They would also see someone who has a book obsession, for sure.  What would they think about my books?  My taste in movies?  What would they think if they went through my computer and saw my browsing history?  My goodness, the research I’ve done for my papers has had me reading extensively about eating disorders, child abuse, substance abuse…  would they think that was for my entertainment or realize that it’s for research?  What would they think if they saw my saved paperwork?  Probably that I’m a sentimental sap about a lot of things.  Would they laugh at my embarrassingly large collections of candles, panties, and perfumes?  Not that any of those have anything in common, but they’re some very extensive collections!  If someone had to go through my receipts would they think I was a drunk or someone who really enjoys a variety of wines?  Would they see my receipts from restaurants as laziness and not wanting to cook or would they realize that it was amazing time spent with lifelong friends that I wouldn't trade for anything?  What do we leave behind for others to know about us?  Do we leave a legacy that we are aware of or is it more often accidental?  Most of us don’t get a say as to when we leave this world.  We can’t sit here with our loved ones and explain the meaning to an unsent letter to a parent that was hanging out under our mattress.  We (wait, if either of my parents are reading this, I actually don’t have any unsent letters to either of you hanging out under my mattress… it was just an example.) don’t have a chance to point out that the little piece of beach glass we are saving is because it reminds us of our grandma or our trip to the beach with our honey who just happens to be seeing the Pacific ocean for the first time (that part is legit).  These little objects that mean so much to us mean nothing at all to people who don’t know the story.  I found a little bear in my grandma's crafts that was made out of those tiny little crafty pom-poms.  I don’t have a clue if this bear means anything to her at all, but I cannot bear (hahaha!) to get rid of it.  I’m sure I could ask her, but I’m not sure if she’d remember.  Oh memories.  How precious and fragile. 

What is our legacy?  What story can be created out of our belongings?  What do our physical representations of personal memories mean to anybody else?  What happens when we lose sight of those memories?  

Step away from the books

It is entirely possible that I just reached my dunf’r* state.  I started a new class today.  Really excited about what I’ll be learning, happy to have some projects other than papers to write, but a smidge overwhelmed at the amount of reading that will be required of me.  It’s a lot and it’s also going along with the other class I’m taking that also has a pretty sizeable read-load every week.  And my big projects are coming up soon.  The end of class stuff.  Papers, interviews, research, theorizing, all that good stuff.  Anyway, my dunf’r.  So I’m reading a sentence with a new word in it.  I’ve seen a few of those today.  Not too shabby for a fairly intelligent & well-educated gal, huh?  It’s been a good learning day.  So I’m trying to understand this word.  It’s fairly familiar, and I’m pretty sure that I can figure out the meaning of it, even though I wasn’t really concentrating on that part yet.  I was just trying to sound it out because I read that way in my head.  I don’t normally say the words as I’m reading unless I really need to concentrate on one part, but my brain still processes things by knowing what the word is as I’m reading.  This word just was not coming to me.  I was coming up with feel-o-SO-fizing, filo-so-FIZING, feel-o-sop-hizing?…  Oh crap.  Philosophizing.  I know that word.  It’s what happens when you’ve been reading too long and suddenly realize that you should put your book down, like, now. 

Time to give this tired brain a break.  I’ll be back soon with thoughts on my new class.  Culture.  Diversity.  Acceptance.  Difference & same & everything else that makes a lot of no sense.  Those aren’t the thoughts but that’s what they’ll be about.  This is going to be an interesting eight weeks! 

*Dunf’r is my version, a-hem, my tired and slightly countrified version of "done for".  It’s more like a dunfer but even that extra ‘e’ takes too much energy at this point.  Dunf’r.  

Moral Dilemmas

I don’t think I’ve ever spelled the word “dilemma” properly the first attempt ever in my life.  I’ll have to work on that. 

In other news, I had an interesting conversation with my cousin yesterday.  Before I go on, I must say that I adore the stuffins out of this woman.  She is one of my favorite family members and I just can’t get enough of her.  It really makes me sad, sometimes, how far we live apart from each other and how rarely we get to see each other.  For years we have been more like friends than “just” cousins.  And I have to say, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.  Seriously.  She’s just crazy gorgeous, inside and out.  She has a heart of gold.  Since we’re only three months apart, and we grew up just a few blocks away from each other, we have spent a lot of our lives together.  It was pretty special having her close by.  So these days when we get to see each other, we usually have months (at least!) of time to catch up on.  Yesterday was no different.  At one point, she asked me about school.  I told her something that I haven’t really talked much about yet.  Whether I would want to work in a Christian school or not.  I have thought about that, in great detail sometimes.  Part of me says there is no chance that I would want to.  Having been a student in them for most of my education, and being fairly close to some of the teachers who are open-minded about things, I have come to the conclusion that no matter my beliefs, my personality and attitude wouldn’t fly there very well.  And in the big picture, it’s apparent that one’s beliefs don’t ultimately matter.  It is all about the actions & attitude.  Now that said, my beliefs are pretty strong.  I think God is pretty ok and I think that it’s acceptable to believe that.  I am not a huge fan of the separation of church & state to the level it has become.  I don’t think that God should have been removed from public schools.  I don’t think that we should be prohibited from talking about religion with students, especially with those who are inquiring.  That has potential to be a big problem.  Not because I intend to break the rules—I don’t want to get sued, I want to keep my job, and I want to be able to help a s many children as I possibly can in my career.  The problem is that I will have a very huge internal conflict if a student inquires about religion and I have to deny him or her of information or of even talking about it.  Children are funny—if you tell them that it’s not okay to talk about something, they’re going to see it as a bad thing.  We have to be all hush-hush about these taboo topics because they’re not okay for normal people.  Is that what we should be teaching children about religion?  About God?  About expanding their knowledge? 

I have been ordering most of my books online, either renting them or getting used books.  With that setup come a lot of other students’ notes, comments, & highlighting.  One of my books is about ethics and counseling.  Law too.  Ethics & law of counseling.  Something like that.  I just don’t have it in me to look it up right now.  Though I’ll have to in order to properly cite what I’m about to say.  Eh.  So the author (Stone, 2009) (funny that I can remember that part of it, is it not?) cited an incident where two students approached a school counselor.  They were upset about something and the counselor prayed with them.  Guess who lost her job.  Yeah, the counselor.  So a previous user of this book wrote something in the sidelines of the page next to that along the lines of “Would I ever pray with a student?”  Based on other comments throughout the book, she was religious in some form or another.  She alluded to it in a few ways at different points, so I’m thinking that she was wondering the same thing I was with a similar mindset.  Would I ever pray with a student? 

If I worked in a Christian school, it would probably be assumed that I would pray with students.  I had plenty of teachers throughout my schooling career pray with me.  Some even talked with me like a real person.  I adored those teachers.  In fact, my BFF & I were just talking about some of them the other day.  The straight-shooters.  The ones who tell it like it is.  None of them work there anymore.  Not saying that any of them were fired, it is likely just that they decided to move on for their own reasons or because the school moved, but still.  That would be me.  I wouldn’t last.  But then children in an environment like that need someone who is open-minded and non-judgmental. 

One of my professors in college (I wish I could remember which one, but I can’t pick between two that it could have been) talked about a student approaching him because she wanted an abortion.  Had I been in her situation, both of the two I’m thinking of would be people I would approach.  They would not judge.  They might not be able to help, but they wouldn’t cause further harm.  See, that’s one of the moral principles that counselors are to abide by.  Do not do harm.  First do no harm.  Don’t make a bad situation worse.  If you can’t do anything to make it better, don’t make it worse.  It’s not just counselors who are held to that standard.  Ever hear that for doctors?  The Hippocratic Oath—“abstain from doing harm”?  So when a young girl who is just admitting that she’s a lesbian comes to me and admits this huge secret to me, am I to try to help her be comfortable with herself or throw a bible at her and tell her it’s wrong?  Public school versus Christian school.  And I’m not including all private schools into this category just because I’m only familiar with Christian schools.  I can’t even begin to guess what a Catholic school policy would be so I’m not going to. 

One of my classmates posted something about dealing with a student, female, whose grades had been slipping drastically.  It may be a hypothetical situation—the assignment said that if they were real cases to change names and protect identities, so who knows, but it is pretty darn common.  The counselor in this scenario talks to the student to find out what’s been going on.  Turns out, the girl is gay and her parents are not accepting this because of their religion.  My classmate later went on to talk about how difficult a situation that is when students need acceptance and don’t get it from the people who are most expected to provide it.  What is a counselor to do in a situation like that?  Make the student feel even worse?  “Yeah, kiddo, it’s against your religion.  You’re really screwed now, arencha?”  What would that student do in a Christian school?  My experiences with some of my gay friends have shown me that those schools aren’t too willing to accept these students with open arms.  Nope, you’re bad, go away.  What an example. 

I should stop now.  This might get into a self-debate far greater than I have time for right now.  I have two assignments that are due tonight and haven’t even started either.  Perhaps I should be doing that.  

Reference

Stone, C. (2009). School counseling principles: Ethics and law. Alexandria, VA: American School Counselor Association.

Judgment

I talked to my honey the other day about how tough it will sometimes be to support people (students/kids/coworkers/take your pick) who are engaged in behaviors that I disagree with or that are of a significantly different mindset than I am.  Not only support, but never to judge and always to be open to them.  He was really sweet about what I was saying—said that I really have picked the perfect job or career for my personality.  I don’t know for sure if he meant that as a compliment or not.  He is totally okay with being opposed to certain lifestyles and I am admitting that I will have to embrace even those that he’s opposed to.  I think he meant it as a compliment.  Maybe he just didn’t think about all of the implications of it.  It is going to be a major mental battle with me sometimes and he may not even know that he’s involved in it!  I guess he’s right though.  I don’t have much judgment in me.  I know that people are all different and I’m good with that.  It’s what makes life interesting. 

So along those lines, I was reading about “isms”.  Racism and sexism are probably two that immediately come to mind for a lot of people, but it is a much larger list than I ever thought of prior to this reading.  Lemme add to that list for you.  “Ableism, ageism, classism, familyism, genderism, heterosexism, immigrationism, linguicism, racism, religionism, and sexism” (ASCA, as cited in Stone, 2013).  Oh my goodness is that a lot that I’ve never even considered let alone identified.  My spellchecker is only recognizing five of those eleven.  Great sign, yes?  Linguicism.  What does that even mean?  I’ve been doing a lot of self-education about random subjects like pro-ana and thinspo, eating disorders not otherwise specified (even that has a trendy acronym--EDNOS), self-mutilation in all its many forms, and various other things plaguing today’s children at a heart-breaking rate.  I need to know this information so as not to be blind-sided by it when a student approaches me with his or her latest issue, but I sometimes wonder if any of us can actually catch all of these things with enough warning to be aware of them before they become a habit or lifestyle for a child.  Better to see the warning signs when these concerns are simple thoughts instead of full-blown habits.  If only it were that easy. 

I am so thankful that S believes in me the way he does.  I don’t know how I would do it when I see a reading assignment that could keep a normal person occupied for three months and I need to do it in a week if I wasn’t so sure of… well, of his confidence in me.  Mine falters a lot.  And ya know what?  That’s another thing that I really want to prevent.  I just read somewhere that counselors should avoid flattery but I think that is quite important when dealing with young kiddos.  They so need the adults in their lives to believe in them.  We need to prove to them that they can conquer anything they want to.  It’s heart-breaking how many people don’t do that. 

By the way, the author I listed in this, Carolyn Stone?  I want to meet her one day.  Not only is she the author or co-author of quite the handful of books and articles I’m reading, she also has cited herself in her own works.  I just think that’s cool.  How awesome would it be to be so awesome that you can cite yourself in your own works?  I admire her.  Not only that, she actually seems amazingly aware, intelligent, and is an excellent communicator.  I dig that.  And one of my goals will be to at least hear her speak, possibly to even meet her.  Who knows what’ll happen??? 

Stone, C. (2013). ASCA members weigh in on Ward vs. Wilbanks. Retrieved from http://www.ascaschoolcounselor.org/article_content.asp?article=1304

Past, current, future

Do you ever find yourself with an uncertain future?  I sure do.  Five months ago I thought everything made sense.  I had somewhat of a plan, nothing huge, but definitely easy to work with.  I was going to do another... oh, maybe 8 months, maybe a year with my honey in that wonderful setup in the desert. But things just fell apart so fast.  No, that's not true.  Nothing fell apart.  The plan just changed.  I like plans!  And S is always telling me that they're somewhat pointless.  We're both right.  He definitely has the edge on logic on this one-- no matter what you plan, things can easily change.  But I have the edge on hope and a path.  With a plan you know which way to work and where to set your sights.

Plans.  They're great in theory.

I've started a new plan.  Not terribly different.  I was already heading down this path while still in Afg, but it's altered a bit.  So I am going to keep this blog just as it is, with the same title as it has, and I'm going to add to it.  I still am living on the other side of the world.  I'm on the other side from S... for now.  And who knows-- with the charms of an uncertain future, I just may end up there with him.  Or he may end up here with me.  Or we may go somewhere completely different.  But there will always be an "other side of the world" and I'm going to always need to remember that.

And speaking of other sides.  Here's where things will take a slightly different turn.  I am currently going to write about school.  Really, that's about all I do these days.  School.  S asks what I'm going to do today and the answer always includes "homework".  Always.  As of yesterday I have now doubled up on the classes.  I enjoy it, for sure.  I had a mild moment of sheer panic the other night when I started to doubt myself but with enough positive self-talk I got over it.  I have my work cut out for me, for sure, but I am getting so much out of this, and I truly enjoy it.  The "other sides" part I mentioned is in perspectives.  Background.  Culture.  Ethnicity.  Different views.  Another world, entirely.  I will be learning so much over these next couple of years.  It's great.  I am finding my text books absolutely fascinating.  I can't get enough of them.  But it's a little bit scary.  In fact, I'm going to stop writing right now and get to some notes I made last month.  I meant to update before now but I'm not so good at that sometimes.  Obviously.  Sorry.  Sorta.

12/15/2012 10:59 PM

This is really quite an eye-opening experience.  I’m reading things like “Knowing when to invoke confidentiality at the expense of a parent’s right to know is a daily struggle” (Stone, 2009, p. 6) and reading about a counselor who tried to sue the school district for not renewing her contract after she tried to teach abstinence to the students and prayed with two of them.  What would I do if students came to me and actually wanted and requested to pray with me?  Will I be setting myself up for losing my job of I do so?  I pray.  I think it’s an acceptable thing to do.  And though I would not ever force my beliefs onto a student, I would love to think that I could share the actions of my beliefs with a student if he or she wanted it.  But that whole “separation of church & state” thing really screws us up.  My current text says that Americans really try to give parents the respect and legal latitude to figure out how to raise their children more so than any other country.  Oh my gosh how frightening that is! 

We had yet another school shooting this week in this “Great American Dream” of a country.  Thanks to my constant state of having my nose in a text book, I haven’t heard much about it other than it was Connecticut and there were 20 something children killed.  My poor S is now worrying about what I’m getting myself into as a school counselor.   I’ll be working in just such a setting.  I’m worrying more about legal ramifications to going to work every day!  Seriously, I’m reading that ethically we must always respect the client’s right to confidentiality unless he or she plans to do harm to self or others and in the next sentence that parents have all rights over their child’s life/decisions/actions/thoughts/etc., and that when the law comes into play, parents have the legal rights to know and law beats ethics.  So… About that. 

…

…

???

Ethically, and by counselor’s standards & goals, we are to help the children learn autonomy—how to think for themselves, how to stand up for themselves, how to be their own person.  Legally, these kiddos have no right to make even one single decision about their own lives.  I repeat, ???

Then again, it’s been a long time since I’ve had school work capture my interest so much.  I read because I find this interesting.  I can’t put my text books down because I keep wanting to learn more.  I guess I’m getting into a great line of work.  Not only does it interest me now, it’s also so new and so constantly evolving that I will always have something more to learn.  I used to tell people that if I could be anything I wanted in life I would be a permanent student.  It looks like I have found just the right career to allow that.  I’ll be going to school all the time and I will be always learning something new.  That’s just dang cool! 

And please, let me apologize in advance for my APA formatting in every new post.  I need practice!!!  :D  Never again do I ever want to have to spend anything near an hour or more searching for the proper documentation of something asinine like who to use as the publisher in a “production of” situation.  That was maddening!  By the time I obtain my Master’s of Education: Guidance and Counseling, I will understand the APA style of formatting from top to bottom, beginning to end, right to left, and past to future.  Just watch. 

References:

Stone, C. (2009). School counseling principles: Ethics and law. Alexandria, VA: American School Counselor Association.

08/15/2012 2245 All good things must come to an end

Well my dear friends and family, it appears as if this portion of my journey has come to an end.  I wish I would have been more on the ball with writing lately.  I have quite the entry about the drama that we’d been having lately.  In fact, let me add that now.  Let you guys get a little bit of background. 

07/24/2012 1330

I suppose that if I’m going to document my life & times over here, I may as well cover it all.  There has been a lot going on here that I haven’t talked about on here, not because I don’t want to, but mostly because I haven’t really sat down & dedicated any time to it.  A couple of months ago things started to get a little bit unsettled to put it mildly.  There was talk about the post office closing when the Marines pull out, even talk about the PX closing.  Then they were talking about closing this camp.  And about not hiring new people, while firing the current for different various reasons, in an attempt at “cleaning house”.  A lot of the guys here were getting very fearful about whether they would pass their physicals or not.  They started to fire people for their cholesterol which they did not do before.  They also started not giving people a chance to go home and get any medical issues taken care of.  No second chance.  If you don’t make it, you’re gone.  That doesn’t provide much comfort!  That was actually why I made that comment about trying to stay positive that S was going to pass his physical when we went on R&R.  If he didn’t, boy would things have been altered!  Of course he is also the poster boy for excellent health, but you just never know with this company! 

Just before we left on R&R, a lot of new guys showed up.  I had just gotten a new roomie, an adorable fire medic that I get along very, very well with.  Things were changing very rapidly.  We were a little bit nervous about how things would be when we got back, but there’s nothing to be done about it aside from either accepting it or quitting.  While we were gone, I heard from another of the medics who said it looked like they (the medics) were going to be losing their contract here.  How that makes sense I will never understand.  We’re on a military base in the middle of nowhere.  People get hurt.  Does that seem like a good reason to take away the ambulance services?  I wonder if someone somewhere thinks that if there is no ambulance then people won’t get hurt.  Logical.  Also while we were gone, 9 or so people finished their contracts and headed home.  I was so sad to have missed out on seeing them, but I’m happy for them that they get to get on with their lives.  Remember when I had to go a day earlier than I had planned?  That meant I didn’t get to say goodbye to the guys.  Aah, chaos, how I depend on you. 

So we got back from R&R.  The last time I wrote, I was still in Dubai and very angry about that situation but I finally made it back home after a lot more ridiculousness and very little sleep.  Little as in an average of close to 2 hours for about 5 nights in a row.  Uncool.  But I made it.  When we got back, a lot had changed.  I had to wait for a few hours near the travel office because I had my luggage scattered between a few different people’s bags and they had extra screenings to go through when we got back.  While there, I got a lot of updates from the chief that came by to get me.  My, my how things did change.  And would continue to do so.  A few more bases have been closing around here so we wound up with 7 new guys from that.  The medics did lose their contract so my roomie will be leaving at the end of this week.  Three new inspectors just arrived.  We almost got another dispatcher but the day he landed someone from a nearby base quit so he had to head there to fill that vacancy.  A few more people will be finishing their contracts soon and will not be renewing.  The post office is closing on the 15^th of August.  As far as we know, the PX will still be open, but we don’t know how long that will be.  The base is still going to stay open as far as we know and we should be still okay until at least the end of this year.  Now there are other bases opening and word that we’re going to be losing people to fill in some of those positions.  We’re supposed to be opening a second station here sometime soon even if we don’t have the equipment for it.  One chief got transferred to another FOB, another one demobed from home when he was on leave.  And that’s just some of it all!  Yes, kids, this has been a strange few months. 

Well.  In the midst of all of this comes the point where I’ve needed to think about my future.  It’s no secret that I am aiming to have my future spent with S but the particulars of all of that have been pretty… vague.  Not that we don’t have plans, but it’s just short of impossible to make normal plans given our work lives, our personal lives, and our nationalities.  It won’t be easy and it won’t happen overnight.  I think that until I was still in Dubai and he was here back at Dwyer, I thought we’d have at least another year to make plans.  Not so much the case.  We had a “light” talk about the future on Skype but decided we’d talk more when I got back. 

Well that was where I finished writing from the post that was to happen a few months ago.  Just wanted to give you an idea of what was going on around there.  And now?  Now I am sitting in KAF on my way home.  Five people at home know that I’ll be there.  Home.  Even that is a funny word, considering the fact that I don’t really have one.  For two years Dwyer has been my home.  My safe haven.  A source of sheer happiness.  Well I guess the past 17 months has been the safe haven and happiness.  But either way, it’s been so simple and perfect.  Easy routine, easy job, easy people to work with, easy life.  We had it so good.  Perhaps I should backtrack.  Lead up to now.  Actually, what I’m going to do is pause and post this before it gets way overboard and then I’ll continue writing tomorrow or the next day.  I’ll have plenty of time, I’m sure. 

07/01/2012 1413

Well, I'm on my way back "home" but I'm pretty angry right now so I'm wondering if I should even bother to write or if I'm just going to sound too bitter.  S and I had a wonderful time in Belgrade and our first 1.5 days in Dubai.  What happened then, you ask?  Well this company, with its infinite wisdom, decided to let him fly the day were supposed to and keep me here.  I do NOT like Dubai when I'm alone.  Not one little bit.  As in... there is nothing good about it.  I'd rather be working.  It's oppressive here, especially when you don't want to go out by yourself, which I do not.  Yes, I'm a big girl, but to me, this is the kind of place that is only good when you're with someone you love.  I don't have this overwhelming desire to take my camera out and spend the day on the streets.  I don't have a desire to even leave the hotel room.  And no matter how many times I wonder or ask God why this had to happen this way, I'm not getting an answer.  Seriously?  Well I find out in three hours if I fly tomorrow or not.  I honestly have a bad feeling about it.  I feel like I'm back in Kuwait almost two years ago dealing with the same crap.  I didn't like that either.  
Okay, I want to write more but my honey just called to let me know he made it home safely so I'm going to take a nap.  That'll help the hours pass...